Step 1: Get That Pasta Perfect Start your pasta water with way more salt than you think you need – it should taste like seawater, seriously. Cook your penne exactly one minute less than the package says because it’ll finish cooking in the sauce. I learned this from my Italian neighbor who threatened to never speak to me again if I kept overcooking pasta. Save a mug of that starchy water before draining – you’ll thank me later.

Step 2: Brown That Beautiful Beef Don’t crowd your pan or the beef will steam instead of brown – learned this the hard way during my first dinner party disaster. Break it up as it cooks and let it actually get brown, not gray. When you add the onions, they’ll release moisture and deglaze the pan naturally. The garlic goes in last because burnt garlic tastes bitter and there’s no coming back from that.

Step 3: Build Your Flavor Base Dump in the whole can of Rotel – juice and all – and don’t you dare drain it first. I did that exactly once and my husband still brings it up three years later. Add the beef broth and cream, then all your spices. Let this bubble away while you taste and adjust. My rule is always start with less spice than you think you need because you can add more but you can’t take it out.

Step 4: Cream Cheese Magic This is where things get good. Cut your cream cheese into chunks and drop them in, then stir constantly until they disappear into the sauce. If it’s straight from the fridge, it’ll take forever and leave lumps, so let it sit on the counter while you prep everything else. When it’s fully melted, the sauce should coat the back of your spoon.

Step 5: The Cheese Pull Moment Take the pan off the heat before adding the cheddar – hot sauce will make cheese grainy and nobody wants that. Stir it in gradually and watch it melt into this gorgeous, glossy coating. This is the moment I always call my family to come see because it looks too good not to share.

Step 6: Bring It All Together Toss the pasta right into the sauce – don’t dump the sauce over the pasta like some kind of amateur. Use tongs or a big spoon and really get in there to coat every piece. If it seems too thick, add that reserved pasta water a splash at a time until it’s just right.

Step 7: The Grand Finale Fresh herbs aren’t optional – they cut through all that richness and make the whole dish taste brighter. I prefer cilantro because it plays better with the Rotel, but parsley works if cilantro tastes like soap to you (I feel bad for people with that gene).