Step 1: Beat the Cheese Into Submission Throw both cream cheeses into your mixer and beat the hell out of them for like 3 minutes. I mean really go to town – you want zero lumps or people will judge your cheese ball forever.

Step 2: Add All the Good Stuff Dump in your ranch powder, chopped green onions, red pepper bits, and 1 cup of that shredded cheddar. Mix it until it looks like a colorful mess. Taste it (this is mandatory) and adjust seasoning if needed.

Step 3: Shape This Monster Lay out plastic wrap and sprinkle some cheddar in the middle. Plop your cheese mixture on top and wrap it up like you’re wrapping the world’s most delicate present. Smoosh it into a ball shape with your hands – it doesn’t have to be perfect, pumpkins aren’t perfect either.

Step 4: More Cheese Please Roll that plastic-wrapped ball in the remaining cheddar until it looks like a cheese-crusted bowling ball. This is where kids lose their minds with excitement. Double wrap it or you’ll hate yourself later.

Step 5: Make It Look Like an Actual Pumpkin Here’s where the magic happens – take 4 rubber bands and wrap them around the ball to create sections, like you’re dividing up an orange. Don’t make them too tight or cheese will squish out the sides and you’ll have a mess.

Step 6: The Waiting Game Stick it in the fridge for at least 2 hours but honestly overnight is better. This is the hardest part because you just want to eat it immediately. The waiting firms everything up and lets the flavors hang out together.

Step 7: The Big Reveal Carefully remove the plastic wrap and rubber bands – this is like unwrapping a present. Stick that red pepper stem right in the top and prepare for people to lose their absolute minds over how cute it is.